2005-09-11
Changes in Worth
All in all, it’s nice to be back. There are things I need to work out and on, as always, but life goes on.
However, some things are different. Very different. I hate change. I try not to; most of the time change is good, it’s an improvement - and even when it’s not, I don’t have any say in it! But this year is shaping up to be very different from last year. The dynamics of our study group have changed drastically. Leadership roles have shifted (one over to me!) and there is a marked difference in the people attending. This would not be such a big deal if I was not so close with so many of the people. For a year and a bit, they were my family. I’m all for Kingdom building but I can’t help but (admittedly selfishly and childishly) wonder if I have to open myself to this kind of vulnerability. And the answer, of course, is yes.
Another difference is that I am no longer “in like” with the Boy. This is a hard one to get my head around. Nothing really changed - I think, maybe, I grew up. I’ve realized how different (impossibly so) we are. This hurts in it’s odd little way- what might have been. There is almost tangible tension between us. It’s so odd. We bicker. I understand that he is busy (we all are!): I can’t help but feel high and dry that he’s ditched our leadership team so easily. It wasn’t too much to give us four pages of instructions, though. Sigh. What a yucky situation.
There is such a huge cultural gap to bridge, too. He’s a Greek male. He was raised with the permission to put himself before others, the assurances that his best was good enough, and that while his decisions may be doubted, he’ll (undoubtedly) get his act together, because he is who he is. This is in almost a direct contrast to the world I was raised in. I was raised at sticker-value. In other words: I’m only worth what people are willing to give. My best is good enough as long as it’s (at least) as good as other people’s best. It was all about what I think, how I think, what I look like, what I do. This was my value, and a hard trap to escape. I still struggle with these thoughts. Where does my value come from: from being a creation of God or how much people love me? This SO wasn’t an issue until leadership roles crossed paths.
Sigh. I want to like him so much. But it’s just not going to happen again. And that’s probably for the best.
suzza at 7:53 a.m.