2006-01-16
I think I need to fight this.
Wow. That took me a while. So much has been going on. I’m exhausted beyond belief right now, but I’ll try to do the last two weeks justice. At any rate, in my search for a template, I found several suitable candidates; when I tire of this one, there will be no purple page.
So school has taken off. Seemingly without me, as usual, but this year, I’m not too far behind. Just a few readings. And no one is ever really caught up. It is my goal to get an A in a University course. I’ve gotten A- , but never a proper and stand alone final mark of an A.
God continues to be good to me, and reveals new things to me daily. I learn, mostly by hard experience. But hey, I’m young. Last semester was probably the worst semester of my life, and I am grateful that I had good friends and a good God to take strength from. I was really scared at some points. Thus the scarcity of my writings. I kinda had a breakdown, and things weren’t good.
I need a hair cut but I keep cutting my bangs and that makes it difficult to go into the hairdresser and tell them exactly what I want. My older sister is close to five months pregnant. I’m really worried about my little sister. She’s the same age as I was when I got sick, exactly, and she is suddenly talking about being fat and going to the gym . She has been chubby but never “fat”. Like I was. And that sounds like warped perspective, but in reality, I weighed 230. She weighed, at most, maybe 180. She was very proud of her weight loss , and my mother just encouraged her. When I expressed my concerns, my mother sighed, and chalked it up to a “stage”, just like I went through. Right. Stage. Because I moved away, and everything disappeared. But then again, I never needed help in the first place.
Speaking of stages. I had gained something like ten lbs over christmas, and was up to an intolerable number. Really, I was. So I decided it would be my goal to lose, slowly, twenty lbs through walking and eating healthily. That worked well for a week. I lost something like 2 lbs. Then, these last two weeks, I have totally spiraled. I don’t know what happened. I am sick again. I was kidding myself saying I wasn’t sick. I don’t really EAT and it’s amazing because I feel I don’t need too. And I have these vast, frightening moments of clarity where I know this is nothing good and this is nothing from God. I’m so sick of the fact that this is my life. But I don’t know what to do about changing it. And it feels so good, and I have so much to lose- and it’s WORKING and I’m not b/p’ing TOO much. So, out of nessecity, I let it in. Because I can tell it to go away, right, when it’s done it’s job?
Because I don’t like being strong. I don’t LIKE being half-way through a university degree. I don’t LIKE showing my little sister that there is something more to life than this.
Fuck.
Anyways. But I feel good. My meds are working better than they’ve ever have. I feel NORMAL. Except , some days, I get up for the scale. And I don’t know why. I have it so good.
I think I need to fight this.
suzza at 9:32 p.m.