2006-01-18
Lies.
And life continues. As it usually does.
I'm not really keeping up with school as I should. My readings. I read them, but I need to take notes, or something. I have discovered that whilest I love literature and love to write and love being at university, my heart, disturbingly, lies in history. Thus my four-english-classes and a women studies is making for an interesting semester. It's conflicting. I do WELL in English. r It's just not...stimulating. In my Fiction class, it's not ever question to me if the "unexplainable" is fantasy or not (by hard-letter theory definition, of course). It's just..not. I just..don't SEE books, stories like that. Something is always explainable. And if it's not I don't read the book. It's not that I've lost my sense of wonder, but when there is room for doubt; take the logical and steady path.
The only class that interests me is my third year theory class which I find totally intimidating as a second year. Although Victorian lit is looking more interesting as the days go by, I still don't have confidence in myself to pull off the kind of grades I want. Or need. (To do what? I'm not sure! The big confession: Amanda doesn't WANT to be a teacher all that much).
I feel cold, tired, or confused all the time. I need to get my energy back so I can get a handle on this school thing! And maybe remember something that I've read. I have an apointment tomorrow with counselling. It'll be hard to fill them in on ...a month! But, we'll see.
I know I would feel better if I ate more, and the weight would come off just as quickly if I exercised, but it doesn't hurt as much. This is so STUPID. I need to study, thus I need to eat more. Stupid. Stupid. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll begin to figure out why this suddenly popped back up. Why it's even an issue because for like SIX MONTHS I thought I was BEAUTIFUL.
And now, suddenly, I'm fat and stupid?
Lies.
suzza at 9:48 p.m.