2006-03-04
Aches and pains
He doesn't think he's "good enough" for me. He doesn't think there are enough: job prospects, stabilities, securities, surities, etc. He was upset. He said that if he was sure he could be "good" for me, he would go out with me. Then he talked about getting married, and about how he would marry me, if he could do SOMETHING with his life. I don't want a life of "something". My parents have spent decades eeking out a life of "something". I want a life of someone who loves me, and will support me in my endeavours to do what I needed to do.
Anyways, I replied that it didn't matter. That I can't keep my room clean for more than thirty minutes. That I don't know what I'm doing. That I'm lost, too, and that's why we have God - so that as we take care of each other, we are taken care of. I told him regardless of his choice he needs to start having confidence in his self, because it will effect the outcome of his life exponentially, and that his is brave, honest, and that I like hime more than anyone I've ever liked before.
I did not beg. I wanted to. It makes me angry, though, that the reason we are not together is not me, it is him. And I know that a lot of people will say that "that is just what guys say" but I have a fair amount of confidence in the veracity of this case. Do I wait at a distance until he sees that he is worth something?
I tried to be as non-pathetic as I could. We'll talk again, I'm sure, but..
I ache. And it's subtle and it's inevitable, but I ache.
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I am on day three of giving up my music for lent. It is SO hard. On a daily basis, I will kill the batery in my ipod, and listen to two cds. Yesterday, I was in the grocery store, wondering why I was enjoying the shop so much. It took me ten minutes to realize it was because of the music.
I want music now to stop these thoughts in my head.
Oh, Lord, I ache.
suzza at 11:20 a.m.