2006-03-19
A lot to do.
This week has been horrible. Well, not horrible, but full-of-stress. And cake. Yum for the cake, but the stress made me vomit. Not on purpose!And I was sick.
I had an eight page paper due last thursday, that was genius, and a five pager due monday. Okay. A 6 page due wednesday that was.. childlike (I might as well have handed in computer paper with crayon drawings on it: i love Keats. Keats is sad. Sad, sad Keats. Poor sad Keats. Oh, Keats is drowning in lung fluid. Watch Keats drown, pine, and write. Drown Keats, drown..) and a 12 page due friday. The last one was completed soley on my prior knowledge of Mary Wollstonecraft and Christine de Pizan; feminist literary theory, if slighty questionable, will take me far in this life. I praise Atwood.
I have a four page paper due tuesday that I have not thought about; I have a chance of getting an A in that class. I have gotten "A"'s on both the midterms; shockingly enough, they have been earned on in-class essays. About fairy-tales. My failure to have a cognitive grasp on reality has finally proved relevent. I now know enough (freudian) theory to make Dr Phill blush. Of course, in saying that, the class is 100 percent B.S -- an outlet for our Prof's (poorly) concealed sexual theories/frustrations.
On the topic of 'sexual frustration'... Heee. I haven't been KISSED in so long. It's funny. Sometimes I think it's better like this. We're become much better friends. We hang out (albeit much less intense, because my life has been devoted to computer labs, mountain dew, and asprin) and talk and there is no expectation at all. And it's so GOOD. But this is so much more dangerous. Because while two weeks, or even a month ago, if there was a reason for me or him to leave, I'd be okay... a little hurt but mostly contemplative. Now I'd be, well, heartbroken. And we don't even need to find something stupid to talk about any more. Or NEED to watch stupid movies. But there is so much... space in at all. SO much question. And it's, better, somehow. But I know now, that there is MORE chance of a future than there was before, with less of an answer. And it's like... before a future scared me. Now it really doesn't. I dunno. It's insane and weird and SO .... random. LOL. A future that would equate a date. But that would be a big deal for me, ya know?
So this is my life right now. I'm sitting in my tiny little basement room, wasting time, looking at the sun on the snow, and freezing my feet off. I'm wishing I had time to go stomp around in the snow and missing my dog like you wouldn't believe. I want my mother -- one of my room-mate's mom was just here -- but I want a Mom I never had. I want a mom that I can pray with. I want a mom that I can tell that I'm in love, I want a mom that will laugh about my belly or my exams. Who will cry with me over my innabilty to get meds to treat my hypomania/ (ie bipolar 1.5 rushing into II). Or hug me, despite the fact that there IS something wrong with me. I'm afraid she wouldn't.
The last time I talked to my Mom on the phone, she yelled at me for not having a job yet. And with school, I just can't. I'm not going to sacrifice a set of exams. But I still worry so much. God provided for me last year. I learnt a lot through that job. But I'm sure something different will come up this year; if I look hard enough, something will. I just feel so baseless.
Yuck. My room is a mess, there are essays to write, and study to attend tonight! A lot to do :)
suzza at 2:36 p.m.