2006-03-30
Situations and posibilities.
I've decided I need to post more interesting stuff, and less abstract feelings. This a result of my abstract feelings feeling, like, well, shit.
It's been four days since the real "stuff" was laid out straight and over a week since I knew it probably wouldn't work. Conclusion? I'm a stress reliever, a distraction, intellectual conversation, and someone who he would (eventually) and (maybe) get tired of, if indeed there was something (a relationship) going on (which there could be, in secret), but (not in public) not right now.
There. That is substance.
So I forget which day it is and I have finals in a week. Looks like smooth sailing to me.
In the mean time, I'm cramed into the basement of our house, and wishing I was anywhere but there. I need to move, but don't have a jon, or anywhere to move to. I am thinking about going the furthest place from anywhere for the summer, but I don't know if I'll have a place to stay. I pray to God I can get out; it's not really an escape- a population of 500 and a job for two months is counterbalanced by twelve hours of northern highway. There is a church there; the web-page reminds me of the church at home. I am sick of churches that serve themselves. In a community that small and hurting, you have to serve the community -- you are the community.
My other alternative is finding (some) kind of job (probably part time) and working, staying where I am. I'll lose my mind, and not to be cliche, but my heart's already broken. I can move out, but it will be a lonley, lonley summer. Again. But there will be bible studies, more than last summer, and a few more friends around. I'm burning through money, somehow, and I'm scared that I won't make enough to even vaguley support myself. I want to move. But I don't want to live in squallor like I did last semester. I NEED a phone (landline) and I really, really want cable. I suppose I could live without the cable, but...it make a house feel like more of a house, I guess. Less empty.
And on the "empty", I have no furniture, and not a lot of dishes and things. Everywhere I've lived has had furniture and dishes and stuff. I don't have the money to acquire that. I don't really want to live with someone, really. Or someone I don't know that well. And also, I want to..stay... for a while.
I think if I can't escape, I need to stay where I am, pull myself together, and start handing out resumes. Now. But some days it's hard to shower, you know?
suzza at 2:39 p.m.