2006-04-10
I am now an orphan.
Gack.
Maybe I spazzed out a little bit. A little. I feel bad because I think I caused some trouble for my little sister. But...
My family ("family") is all going away and they weren't going to tell me. They thought it would be better. Because I would be upset. I guess I'm not part of it anymore. Was I ever? I didn't even want to go. I just wish they hadn't lied to me.
They weren't going to tell me, until they came back, probably. I only found out when I asked if I could come home briefly and visit before I took off for the summer. Guess that isn't going to happen. And to think I wanted to see them.
And now Kait's pissed at me, she thinks I'm being selfish, she says I've "ruined things again". Yep. I just keep on ruining things.
It's not fair that everyone else still has a family. I know this is so emotional and immature but I'm still little and I'm not big enough to not have one. I'm not big enough to do this all by myself. It's not fair that I have to be all alone.
I haven't been ANYWHERE for five years. Not so much as camping. I can barely aford to eat. But SCHOOL, she said, SCHOOL is your adventure.
I wanted to tell her the TRUTH, but I couldn't-- how do you tell your mom that your "boyfriend" ditched you because you wouldn't hang around and have casual, meaningless sex? I am five minutes away from a nervous breakdown. And about eight years away from a vacation.
When I told them I wanted to visit, Mom asked if I could come watch the Dog. Then she asked "how much can school REALLY cost".
I fucking HATE them.
And I hate that they don't care about me like they care about her. I hate the fact that THEY NEVER CALL ME. EVER.
I mean nothing to THEM, either.
And I hate the fact that they still don't care about her enough to keep her from getting sick. Screw them. Screw her. Screw this. Apparently they've done SOMETHING for her that they haven't for me. Brownie points for them.
They weren't going to tell me :(. And they think I'm upset over the TRIP. A little. But mostly because they don't think there is anything wrong with NOT TELLING ME UNTIL THE DAY BEFORE THEY *ALL* go somewhere.
And I'm NOT over him. I am STILL in love with him. That's right. I freaking loved him. And he didn't care. I doubt I meant anything to him. I hate that. I hate that I'm just... nothing. Nothing. I'm throw-away trash. He wanted me to just be his little secret so he could keep being a messed up little church-boy.
Becuase, you know, you can turn off God like that.
suzza at 10:40 p.m.