2006-04-12
Argh. Angry Rant. Ignore.
Ah, I am so sick of my life being emo, so I refuse to be upset over the trip.
The trip is not what I'm upset over. I'm upset over the fact that when I try to talk to my mother, honestly, cards laid down for the first time in about six years I get blank sighs (well, they would be stares if I was there). How could I forget what things were really like at home? I mean.. she doesn't want to know what's going on in my life, good or bad. It was so frustrating. I mean, obviously, there is no problem in our relationship, because there is no problem in her and my sister's relationships. It felt like a door was slamming in my face. [A big, red painted door; I was on the porch, and it was raining. It was very Amelie.] Somehow, it's not unfamilar. Two sentances into the conversation, my mother admited that what she did was rude and mean, but also suggested quite flatly that I 'get over it'. Oh, okay.
I just... I'm TIRED of this. I'm angry because they don't see it, either. And I'm angry because she STILL, after me doing my best to explain, doesn't understand why I'm upset. SO I tried to tell her about what has been going on with my life. Good, bad, hopes, dreams. Etc. She didn't want to hear that either. She 'doesn't understand' school stuff. What's so fucking hard to understand about the fact that your daughter wants a masters in history? Is it too hard to listen to a full sentance without sighing?
I'm so angry. I'm angry that they treat my little sister better than me. I'm angry that they love her more (they clearly do). I'm angry that it's STILL not enough to keep her from getting sick. And I'm angry that she'll STILL use these cards against me.
And I'm angry that after two years of relative calm, they've managed to get me this angry. And I have EXAMS to study for and write. And these last two days -- written off.
Bloody hell.
Why do I still care?
suzza at 10:26 p.m.